Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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