Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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