At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
