I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
