Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
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