So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize