you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
