somebody snuck up and got me drunk
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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