remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
