Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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