I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
