I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
