I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
