How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
