meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
