i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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