I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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