Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
