you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
