Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
