yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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