highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Let's get the cat blown out
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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