No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
