Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
