The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
