I'm eating all of the evidence.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
