Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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