The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
