I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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