im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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