he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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