I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
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