When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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