LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
