my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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