i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Randomize
