My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize