Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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