So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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