Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
