i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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