Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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