i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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