My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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