I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
