i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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