i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
