Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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