Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
