my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Randomize
