i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
