Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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