It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
