Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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