Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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