Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
