our cab driver is having phone sex.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I am one with the molecules
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Randomize
