I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
